5 Things I’d say to myself 10 years ago
Brightness, I promise you, that Love, yes capital L Love, it will happen to you and for you. You will experience love more deeply than you can possibly fathom, and you will learn things about life and about yourself that I can’t share with you now. Even if I did, you wouldn’t believe me. But believe this: Love will come. Love will change you and it will change how you see love. So enough with this fear that Love will stay absent. You cannot lasso it in with winks and drinks with bartenders. Just trust that it will appear. I know better than anyone because I am you. It’s coming. Know that Love is near.
Sing. And then sing some more, and never let your singing disappear. If you do stop singing (because you will) ask yourself what’s missing? As a child, you found your way into trees and atop fence posts, and yes, oh yes, perched on the toilet seat (great acoustics!) where all you did was sing. When you are unbound by duty, and expectations, and culturally contrived logistics, you will always sing. When you stop singing, take notice. There is some part of you that has been left behind. Check your wallet. Check your closets. Check for the pieces of yourself you gave away to old friends and lost loves (Yes I said Lost Loves. Don’t flip out.) Check your heart for what you’re not saying or feeling. It might be stuck. Sing it out. When you are connected to your soul, it’ll pour out of you through singing, regardless of whether you’re swinging joyfully through the trees or losing your shit.
Eventually, you will have to forgive men.You will also have to forgive yourself….. and religion. I realize that you don’t currently believe that you are pissed at all these things, but you are. Forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness is how you will set yourself free. Teachers will appear to show you how to do it. Listen. Lean in. Let it be arduous some days, other times easy and spontaneous. Don’t give up. Forgiveness will set you free.
Your depression and your anxiety are loyal friends and teachers. They are not trying to hurt you. They are communicating with you. There will come a day when you will say YES to your anxiety. Yes to it being there. Yes to it growing. Yes to not sleeping while it swallows you, and then my love, it will heal. Trust me, it will heal. When the anxiety swells, keep going! It won’t last forever. I’m rooting for you from here.
And lastly, babe, you’re going to be okay. You are stronger than you think. You also don’t have to do it alone. Ask for help. Take all the help you can get. Invest in it for God’s sake. You. Will. Not. Regret. It. Remember, in times of loss or terror or sadness, or even in times of mediocrity (I know how much that freaks you out) that excitement, joy and delight have merely stepped away. They’ll be back. They always come back. Emptiness is just an invitation. There’s nothing to fear. You’re just making space. Trust me, space is gorgeous, you’ll see. Learn to leave space for healthy love and new friends and creative projects. Let there be space to hear an intuitive whisper and to sit in a quiet room alone. Space loves you and I love you and you are already okay. You are not wrong or bad or stuck. You are ever evolving. I love you and it’s going to be okay.